Updated: Dec 2, 2020
So today hasn't been easy.
Today I had to make a decision about my antidepressants that I didn't want to make.
Since the end of last week I have had soreness on the left side of my throat. Nothing major. I sometimes get it instead of a full blown cold.
* WARNING -LADY STUFF COMING UP*
I have also struggled with my time of the month since it started many, many years ago,with volatile moods, period pains , painful boobs etc. I am now at that time in my life where the 'Change' could be just around the corner. Much as I try not to, I am dreading it!
Because of period pains I hadn't slept well on Saturday night.
*Lady stuff ended*
Sunday was a fabulously busy day at a singing workshop.#lovesinging
So come Monday morning I got up and prepared myself for work. As I sat at my desk ready to take on the day I felt really bad.
My energy had completely gone. Where, I do not know! I ached all over and felt like dropping to the floor and closing my eyes.
I did my usual pep talk - 'Come on Claire, you're just tired. Get on with your work and you'll be fine. You must work people are relying on you. You must be ok. You must n't be a burden to anyone. You're just being weak . Come on Wortley get on with it!
Now my body wasn't having any of it and I am thankful for that. You see it made me think about what I was doing and, more importantly, what I was saying to myself!
My new mindset realised that my body was telling me something wasn't right and I was trying to ignore it. I was choosing to see it through the old eyes of judgement and fear. I was seeing it either as a sign of weakness or fear of being judged for being weak.
The new way of seeing and thinking stepped in.
The first thing that I heard was 'Claire I'm telling you something and your'e not listening!' It was my body clearly telling me it wasn't well for whatever reason. Then I heard my mindset speaking ' you wouldn't let those you care about talk to themselves in this way would you? You would tell them to be kind to themselves! Wouldn't you? huh!
It was at that point I had to pack in work for the day and head back to bed. Over the last couple of days I have felt better each day but am not quite back to full strength. So back to the reason or writing this post.
As I sat at my desk this morning, I felt very insecure and nervous about a webinar I was about to watch. Would I understand what they talk about? Am I even clever enough to understand? What if I don't and then my colleagues think I'm thick and I lose my job? bla bla bla bla.
I not normally so nervous about this kinda thing. Was it because I felt physically unwell that I felt vulnerable? I felt weak again and quite dizzy. Is this whatever bug I have or is it............ anxiety?
shit, im gonna have to increase my meds again,. I'm not able to get off them. I'm gonna fail and everyone will know it and.........................................STOP!
NOW HERE IS THE CHANGE FROM ALL THOSE ANXIOUS TIMES BEFORE. I can choose what to do about this. I am NOT a slave to fear anymore.
7-11 breathing came into play and wffs were conjured up.(warms fuzzy feelings)
And then I decided to stop reducing my mirtazapine for now.
I am decided that I am going to stay at 15mg through the winter months. I struggle with the darker months but am learning to release old thought and behaviour patterns around this. Feeling unwell may not be linked to the reduction but I am setting myself up to succeed by taking care for now. Staying at a place I feel safe until my physical strength returns.
I know that as long as I exercise self-care I WILL reach my goals.
So there you go. I am human and this isn't all plain sailing for me.
If you are struggling and want to talk please get in touch via the contact form. None of us should be alone through difficulties and remember , someone always cares!
I'm off for a boogie break and a rest.