Am I a BAD person?
Last night I was watching the joyful soap that is Eastenders and I was seriously triggered.
Ian Beale's son,16 year old Bobbie was experiencing serious mental health issues. This is not surprising seeing as a youngster he killed his sister and was sent away, only to return as a remorseful teenager with some serious stuff going on in his head.
The trigger for me was when he kept asking other people if he was a bad person.
In that moment I was sent reeling back to the days when I would ask this on a daily basis.
Now I hadn't killed anyone but I felt huge amounts of guilt as I went through extreme bouts of depression and anxiety. I now see that I believed that my illnesses were a punishment of some kind.
I couldn't understand why I felt so awful. Core beliefs from childhood were popping up and telling me that bad things only happen to bad people so I came to the conclusion I MUST be bad.
I'm no saint but any mistakes I have made that have hurt others were certainly not intentional. I have never directly set out to cause others pain and unhappiness.
I was too busy dealing with my own crap to wish it on anyone else.
But the fear was real. The fear that I might have to accept that I was a bad person was enough to bring a surge of suicidal thoughts to the surface. Watching that swirling mass of blackness hovering, waiting for me to give the nod so it could engulf my whole being and drag me down to the very depths of hell and despair where there was no way out. I would be immersed in the darkness, devoid of hope and salvation. I would be lost forever.
Thankfully for me I found my own way out of the darkness and it came out of one word.
I learned to recognise the life-belt that was love. I learned to see that this love resided within me but that I had lost sight of it. I had let it drown in all the negativity and rules of others. I had pushed it so far down that I couldn't hear it's loving words as I criticised myself. I couldn't see it's loving actions when I felt I had let someone down. I couldn't feel it's embrace when others walked away from me. I couldn't rest in it's comfort when I believed I had done the unforgivable.
Unlike the movies I didn't wake up the next day and feel all better and loved etc. It took time and it took courage. At first I had to learn to hear Love's voice, to tune into it's frequency like the love channel on a radio. And then secondly, to trust Love again.
I used to class myself as a christian but now I am just me. Just Claire who believes in a divine and universal love that has no demands, labels or rules. Just love in its purest form.
Love that embraces, kindness, compassion, loyalty, honesty and truth.
I also believe there is love and goodness in us all and that it is our choice as to whether we embrace it or shun it. We don't have to be victims of life. We can celebrate the good in it instead. Are you at the point when you can choose? Let me know.......