Anxiety - if you wanted to, you could pull yourself out of it, right?
Updated: Sep 4
A memory came back to me and I'd like to share it with you.
I guess it must be have been around 7 years ago. Myself and my daughter had moved in with my parents who lived fairly close by. I was signed off work with severe anxiety and felt the need to be around people whose heads weren't as busy and chaotic as mine. Thankfully I was able to drive so could ferry my daughter too and from school but that was about all I could do. Eating, sleeping and sometimes even getting dressed felt impossible.
The memory that came to mind was this;
I was standing in my parents living room and my mother was not feeling too good. I'm not going to go into details but things were changing for my wonderful mum and they were scaring her. I could feel the tension rising in the house and, as was usual for me, I wanted to make it better and ease everyone's concerns.
It was as if time stopped and I was stuck in this one moment. My mother was upset and confused. My father's face showed how concerned he was for his wife in her confusion and his daughter who seemed terrified of life and incapable of getting well.
There I was looking at two people who had loved me from the day Amazon delivered me, OK the social worker ('m adopted) and all I was doing was making their lives a misery. They had taken me in and loved me through all my mistakes and heartbreak and I was repaying them with this. A woman in her 40's who couldn't even eat, FFS!
Now let me ask you a question - stuck in this moment,seeing the pain and fear my loved ones were enduring do you not think that if I could've 'pulled myself out of it', I would have?
That if I had the power, the strength , the knowledge to stop my pain being passed on to my family I would have done so there and then?
Let me tell you now.............people CANNOT just pull themselves out of mental health problems.
A depressed person CANNOT 'decide' to leap out of bed the next day after a jolly good talking too and proceed through life full of the joys of spring.
Anxiety sufferers CANNOT 'just stop worrying!' These mood disorders, or whatever you choose to call them CANNOT 'just' be shrugged off.
Please read that last paragraph again.
Okay. Let me make it clear that in that moment, if I could have waved a magic wand and taken all the crap away, I would have done so in a heartbeat. If I could've been more emotionally present for my daughter....in a heartbeat, been a fully functioning mother.......in a heartbeat, been a reliable and dependable daughter .....in a heartbeat.,been at work fulfilling my roles...in a heartbeat.......been the person I wanted to be.......in a heartbeat. If the devil had met me at the crossroads with a contract ...I would've signed it in a heartbeat to stop my loved ones from suffering any longer.
If you then add a bloody great dollop of guilt and shame on top of all that the sufferer is going through then you might have just the tiniest of insights as to what they are going through.
I believe we are all responsible for our own wellness but sometimes we need help and a 'pep' talk ain't gonna cut it.
What are your thoughts?
If you are struggling please reach out for help. Try your GP or look up recommended support groups online. Please don't suffer in silence.