It's been over a month since my last blog and what a month it has been!
Some days it felt like the world is the most dangerous place to be and other days, not so bad.
Thanks to HRT my anxiety, fatigue and nausea have reduced significantly leaving me far more capable of handling life in what feels like chaotic limbo.
After receiving some very encouraging feedback about some short videos and audio recordings I created, I have decided to look into a possible career change.
It is in it's very early stages but it has given me focus and a sense of excitement about doing something I really enjoy.
Normally when I discover something new I'm a bit of a whirlwind, jumping in with both feet, believing this will be the breakthrough I need.
As normal, my initial reaction to this idea was one of total elation, causing me to rush around making plans and lists of what is needed. There's no doubt that when I get excited my mind gallops into the future indulging in all the possibilities that could come my way, envisaging a path that leads to the ultimate goal.
As well as having all the wonder of a child's imagination I also have the other side, the so called mature way of looking at things.
This is the part of me that pipes up with,' can you afford it?' Is this feasible? Will you be good enough at this? Will you be a success? Can you handle deadlines?bla bla bla
And so it goes on, not just dampening any excitement but totally drowning it.
I then find myself on the fence. Do I indulge my fantasy or do I dismiss it and stay where I am?
Recently I have been swotting up on the Law Of Attraction. I find the Universal laws interesting but this one in particular, intrigues me.
Quotes such as ' what you focus on, expands,' used to terrify me when anxiety was all that raged through my mind and body. When someone tells you that worrying about being anxious only makes you more anxious the future doesn't look so bright.
In my opinion severe anxiety often has physical link and when this is so thinking yourself out of it isn't so easy. However once you know you are healthy or on the road to being healthier it is much easier to digest that phrase.
I have been using my joy/gratitude journals to help re-programme my mindset to see the good in every day but something came to light just yesterday.
I had been researching this new path I wanted to take and was planning how and when I would do things when I heard a very clear voice in my head state....
It won't last
It won't last!
It stopped me in my tracks as I felt a wave of disappointment and sadness wash over me.
Do you know what? You're probably right. Nothing stays good for very long.
What? Where had this crushing thought come from?
We develop our core beliefs (basic beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world we live in) by the age of 7 and these affect how we see and interpret what we experience in life. Knowing this, I realised that my underlying beliefs about work and income were fairly negative. Long gone were the fanciful ideas and excitement of adult life.
So I decided to write about how I felt about earning a living and was interested to see the results:-
You have to be sensible with money
You have to work hard to have money
If you are very lucky you will have a job you love but that's rare
Sometimes you have to take whatever is available
Once you have money, keep a hold of it
Plan ahead, you never know when you might need some extra money
Life isn't easy so why should work be
You work hard for not a lot
Good things happen but only on a low level, plus they never last
If I got my dream job all kinds of things could go wrong....look at the pandemic!
I'm no expert in anything so not worthy of a decent salary
What am I good at?
So there it is and isn't it depressing?
Sure some of it is sensible but imagine seeing that as you are about to leave school and head into the world of work.....YUK!
This demonstrated that I have some serious work to do when it comes to my beliefs about employment. You see, if you can appreciate what you already have you are half way there. For example, I knew a lovely lady who could spend hours completing her work, most of which was terribly mundane and yet she was happy in her work. She was able to take the positives from what she had and apply them to the whole job. In fact her whole life if truth be told.
Even though I have been out of work for 6 months I have tried to focus on what I do have rather than what I don't which has been a good start.
So the next step is to change the beliefs listed above and choose to focus on the good in my life and the possibilities that are waiting for me to see them.
How do your beliefs affect your life?
Stay safe
Cx
