It wasn't until fairly recently that I became aware of a whole new image. I have been sharing my story for a while now and to be honest, thought I had learnt all I could from it. I was wrong.
It was in talking to a wonderful friend that I came to realise this. Having been a confident person all her life she explained that I just needed to learn to trust myself again. I questioned as to how I did this and this is when this new mage came to mind.
You see most confident people have faith or trust in themselves or something/someone else that keeps them grounded. Even during times of stress or grief, they know they have this force to fall back on. I could say that years ago I believed in God and that he would be there for me but that all changed when I became ill. Don't get me wrong I still believe in divine love of sorts but it is no longer labelled. What really suffered was the trust I had in myself.
See if you can picture this.......
Imagine a thick power cable coming out of your heart and the other end attached to whatever you have faith in. You trust this bond to never break and feel safe with it. Life had taught me the only person you could really trust was yourself so my heart cable went to my head. The problem was that my head was not in a healthy place. This connection that I had trusted was now malfunctioning. It was firing thoughts of self-harm and suicide at me. It was telling me I was no good, broken and unlovable.
How could I trust my own head when it was doing this to me?
Each time I connected I was overwhelmed by dark thoughts. So I had to detach the cable from my head for protection until I was in a better place.
And so it has stayed this way for many years.
When I described this to my friend she exclaimed that I needed to 'reconnect' so I could access the power and strength within me. Now this makes sense. Mentally I am in a good place and so it makes sense to do this but I was super wary. In fact I didn't want to reconnect with something I couldn't trust. What if it all goes wrong again? What if I end up back at the beginning? How can I make her understand that this isn't easy for me? I can't remember the last time I truly trusted my head to that degree. I had managed it for short periods but I was easily drained needing days to recover. How can I describe it so it makes sense? I suppose its like approaching someone with a smile and they spit at you......you're only gonna try once maybe twice before you back off!
I have sat with this image of my power cable for a while now. The one end attached to my heart and the other thrashing about with sparks bursting from it, like in disaster movies.
Only now can I visualise the free end reconnecting with my head.
What follows is a surge of love filling my brain, nurturing, comforting and loving it. All the things I have craved, needed and wanted have been present all along but I just haven't been 'plugged' in to them. It was a little overwhelming to start with. I felt unsure. Can I really trust my mind not to frighten the life out of me again?
I guess what finally made me allow this image of connection with my head is the power I feel coming from my heart. You see I have also learned a valuable lesson about Ego too.
When I am driven by my Ego my creativity goes awry. This is not helpful when writing a script for my upcoming talk! Ego shrouds my passion and stunts my imagination. This is when my head is ruling and my heart disconnected. Once I realise this and reconnect to my head and my heart the material comes to me with ease and I feel the right driving force is at the wheel. My heart is the power I need to be productive. Rather than staying connected to one or the other I can use them both to access that flame that burns within. The love that never dies. I can provide myself with the assurance I need. I can learn to trust my mind again. I CAN reconnect my head and my heart to feel whole again.