It's moments before I click on the link to the virtual meeting . I check there is no mess that can be seen on camera and set my laptop is as high as possible to get the best camera angle.
CLICK and I'm in. Greetings here and there and then it starts.
You are a dum dum!
What? Shhh I'm trying to concentrate on the intro so I know what we are discussing in the meeting. This lot look like an intelligent bunch.
So you shouldn't be here then!
Your camera angle really isn't flattering.
Will you shhh please?
Crikey that is one........ boring......... voice! Bla Bla Bla
SHUT UP! Let me concentrate and take notes.
You won't remember what the notes mean later so you probably shouldn't bother.
Have you noticed that no one else is writing? They must already know this stuff. Maybe they are looking at you writing and thinking how thick you must be? Mind you if they look at your profile they will quickly work out you're not a brainbox. If I were you I would stop writing and pretend you are as educated as they are.
Shhh. How can I better myself with you prattling in my ear all the time? I am interested and I want to learn.
Square Claire is at it again. Just who are you trying to impress? Can you not accept that you are more emotional than intelligent? Now you've hit perimenopause you are even less likely to learn new things. You are a hormonal 'has been' who never was! ha ha!
RUDE! I WILL learn and I won't give up!
Ooh get you! Little Clairey, well not so little anymore tubby! You always wanted to be 'more than' or 'better than'. When will you realise that you will never be sophisticated and elegant, have the status of someone with a degree or ten and you most certainly don't have what it takes to make Claire's Chair a success. To convince you I think we need a few 'what ifs'............
*GASPS* oh no, what if I am trying too hard?
What if I can't do this?
What if I am not educated enough to do this?
What if I AM out of my depth?
What if I am making a fool of myself?
What if everyone just tolerates me but truthfully thinks I am a waste of space?
What if I really do look awful at this camera angle?
It is working.
Maybe I should give up? Maybe I am kidding myself?
I could just disappear, close all my social media accounts and pretend I don't exist. This way I can be free of any worries, anxieties and the big I.S =Imposter syndrome.
I could go back to cleaning jobs or walking doggies and just pretend I never tried , yes that is the best thing to do.
Excuse me dear, Madame Mindset here. Now that your insecurities have had their two penneth worth, I feel it time for me to step in with some words of wisdom.
YOU are the woman who fixed a plasterboard ceiling, replaced an element in your oven and the powerpack your desktop computer.
YOU are the woman who overcame Postnatal depression and anxiety disorders.
YOU are the woman who resisted suicide when it beckoned and argued your worth.
YOU are a woman who persists and adapts.
YOU are a woman who is passionate about people and their wellbeing even though you are an introvert.
YOU are a woman who likes to bring joy and laughter to people.
YOU are someone who cares.
But most important of all, YOU are enough and YOU are worthy regardless of your intelligence, education or past.
Thank you ❤️