Updated: Dec 4, 2020
It' s been a couple of weeks since I stopped reducing my medication and I definitely feel better. There are still some moments where I feel tension from the top of my head to the tip of my toes which is followed by utter exhaustion.
My daughter visited from down south and we had a lovely few days together. I felt my heart was going to break when I had to say goodbye but it felt good to really feel again and know it was a legit feeling.
My daughter has been through so much with me and at times has had to be far stronger than most of her age. Seeing her mother at breaking point brought out such strength in her but I'm also aware that it made her hugely vulnerable. During these times she coped in whatever way she could especially during her teens. I know there were times in my younger days where I believed it was less painfully to become fiercely independent so no one else could let you down and I believe this is the same for my daughter.
I have days where the guilt of what she endured overwhelms me but I have learned to reason with it. After all, if I had the choice during those times to 'snap out of it' I would've done so in a nanosecond. However I had yet to gain the skills needed to do so. I am truly sorry for any pain my difficulties have caused others but I know that it was never deliberate and that now that I am well I can do all I can to stay well and create lots of happy memories .
Whenever my daughter and I get together we giggle....a lot!
Even at the grand old age of newly turned 48 I have a childish sense of humour. I find things to laugh at that I am sure mature, sophisticated adults wouldn't even raise an eyebrow too. But do you know what...I love it. Most of the time I am laughing at myself for getting things in a muddle.
On our trip to Skye I became so overcome with a fit of the giggles that I had to pull over as tears of laughter blinded me momentarily.
Laughter is so good for our well being.
I AM the type of person who really feels and I find joy in all sorts of things; from
animals to deep puddles, frost on cobwebs to warm fluffy slippers, smiles and laughter to the kindness of those who care, to the strength of goodness and the ability to forgive.
I am blessed because again I am able to see the wonder in things. To enjoy my imagination in a healthy creative way and to demonstrate love to people who touch my life.
At last I am emerging from my medicated cocoon to really love life again. Is it childish? probably Do I care? No because I would rather be happy.
So before I go I want to thank my daughter for loving me through all life has thrown at us. Thank you for your humour, your moodiness, your inspiration, your compassion and your dogged determination to keep going. Thank you for still being around to see me well as we create new memories and look to the future.
There is no one on this earth that I love the way I love you and I will always have your back just as you have had mine. I will fight your corner when you need it and I will step away as you find your feet. You will always be my bright shining star and I will love you for eternity. Thank you for being my daughter. xx