If I said the last few weeks have been easy I would be lying!
Finally seeing the GP and having antidepressant withdrawal confirmed as the cause of my physical and emotional upset has given me the strength I need to change things.
I have now been on 30 mg for just over a week and am feeling the physical benefits at last.
One of the things I noticed during the worst of it was that if I was stressed or surprised it made things worse. Basically if I experienced an adrenaline rush whether through something good or bad I would then ache for hours after.
Something else that reared it's ugly head was my problem with food. I felt far more anxious around food.
Since my earliest memory I have been a 'fussy eater.' This was by no means my parents fault for they continually encouraged me to try new foods and yet I would dig my heels in and not eat anything new.
As I grew up my mother would worry on my behalf, 'you can't socialise if you don't eat what people want to feed you!' At whatever age I was at the time I failed to see the importance of this. Surely as an adult I can eat what I want to, after all I would be grown up?
So years passed by and the selection of foods I would eat has increased but I do fear being asked out to someones house for a meal. If they are a good friend they already know how I am with food and we talk freely about what I will eat and whether I would rather not eat. N.B I have food intolerances too which can be awkward. Over the years I have known many people who would turn up to work dos and not eat but prefer to sit and drink and maybe nibble a roll. As long as they were there that was all that mattered.
So what is my problem with food? Am gonna sit and think right now
I am am very much a texture eater. I don't like lumps or slimy food. Most mornings I have a banana smoothie with seeds and water and I love the taste but if there is a banana lump in the drink , I gag! Sometimes I add frozen berries but I hate the raspberry seeds for fear of choking. If something is meant to be smooth that's what it must be and if something is meant to be firm or crunchy , that's what it must be. I also have very plain taste preferences and can't for the life of me understand why someone would put chilli flakes on something. Does that not leave you with the taste of chilli in your mouth for the rest of the day?
I once proclaimed myself to be a 'supertaster', much to the amusement of my family and yet years later such a thing was recognised. I can taste the slightest hint of garlic, chilli, black pepper.
I think a great test on Masterchef would be for the chefs to cook something tasty that I could eat.
Plain food is my thing and what I like, I enjoy. Meat, spuds and the few select veg I will eat is all good. I started to have smoothies as a way of bringing other veg and fruit into my diet. I also take digestive enzymes which help keep my digestive system happy. Actually my digestive system has also been a thing since as far back as I can remember. It is now thought to be down to not being breastfed as a baby. The mother passes on her gut health to the baby through her milk so maybe they go hand in hand?
Thankfully my wonderful partner, who does the cooking in our house, knows what I like to eat and sees every empty plate as a success rather than seeing my 'fussiness' as a difficulty.
Now that things are levelling out for me I have begun to work on my beliefs and thoughts around food and hope to continue to try new food eg raw bell peppers are quite pleasant and cauliflower has made its way on to my plate a few times.
What is vitally important for me though I that I am in control of what I try and when. If someone shoves a forkful of food into my face and says 'go on try it, it wont hurt you,' I am likely to refuse. However if I see something and like the smell and look of it I may well try it. I also have to trust that what I am being told it tastes like is the truth and that the food is not horrendously spicy or hot.
Is this an eating disorder? I don't care if it has a label or not, it's me
Is this all a control thing? probably
Can I change it? I will try
Do I feel I am missing out? Only on the choice of veggies?
I would love to her from any other 'rudey foodies' so please get in touch via the message section or find me on Facebook. - https://www.facebook.com/claire.wortley.7
Happy eating everyone 🍲