Why are we so afraid of this word?
If we hear someone say it, it makes our skin crawl as if saying it will make it happen. Even I have fallen into the trap of thinking if we don't say it, it won't happen.
I spent many, many months with suicidal thoughts being ever present. Always niggling away at me, trying to convince me that it would all be so much better if I just did it.
No matter where I went I was afraid people would be able to read these thoughts as if they were written on my face, in plain sight for all to see. I was afraid people would see the weakness I felt and the desire to be free of emotional pain and distress.
I never dared look in a mirror in case I could see how I felt. If I could see it then surely everyone else could?
Shame would jump on board just to make my load heavier. I felt I was forever on a sinking ship and the only end would be death. I had got past the idea of a life raft coming to save me. I could only see one way this story was going to end.
I would wake at night crying for my family. Crying for their pain and loss. How could I hurt these wonderful people in such a horrific way??? What kind of a monster was I?
I would rage on and on at myself, tearing myself to pieces and wallowing in self loathing!
I was a waste of space. I was ungrateful, selfish, isn't that what most people say about suicide? It's selfish! Well of course it's bloody selfish but isn't everything we do for ourselves??
The problem is that people contemplating suicide believe there is NO other way.
The sad thing is that quite often there IS another way out but the sufferer just cant see it at that time. Perhaps the blinkers of depression or the irrationality of anxiety stop others ways being seen?
I did get to the point of planning how and when I would do it and ashamedly it was while I was staying with my parents.
The night I planned to do it I was being changed over to another medication and the hallucinations and agitation were horrendous. I was shaking, sweating and babbling complete rubbish all night. My parents came through in the morning and held me tight, praying over me.
I don't know if it was God or some kind of Universal divine love or just love and sheer stubbornness but I pulled through and didn't attempt to end my life. The meds withdrawal was so severe it derailed me and any plans I made.
The new meds slowed me right down and brought rest and calmness, well enough to reconsider any plans.
Things started to improve from then on but that's another blog and certainly not plain sailing.
My one wish for anyone serious about taking their lives is please reach out...one more time. I understand why you are feeling this way but I don't want you to do it.
I Care!
Please try to connect with someone because someone does care, someone always thinks you're worth it and one day you will believe it too.
Much love
Cx
